June 29, 2007

Talk to Your Kids About SEX!

Guest Writer Roxanne Walker Cordonier, HIV Prevention Specialist at The Phoenix Center in Greenville, SC

I have a rather urgent request for parents…talk to your kids about sex. I make this request because I talk to people about sex every day as part of my job as an HIV/AIDS Prevention Specialist and I’ve become increasingly concerned about how little people of all ages know about sex and how awkward so many of us seem to feel about talking about sex with our partners and our children. I find it amusing that we are all sexual beings but most of us can’t seem to bring ourselves to talk openly about a very natural part of life. One of the things I say to my audiences in my near daily discussions about HIV/AIDS is if you don’t feel comfortable discussing condoms and birth control methods with your partner you probably don’t have a good enough relationship to be sexual yet. The essence of good sex is good communication and good communication comes from being comfortable talking about all kinds of intimate subjects with your partner. Being comfortable with your partner comes from intimacy and intimacy isn’t built overnight…it takes time and that’s why you need to take time to build a relationship. That’s why my mama used to warn against jumping in bed with the first man or woman who showed an interest in you!
Although the United States is clearly a sexualized nation we are generally ignorant as individuals when it comes to the mechanics and the facts about sex and that’s what concerns me. During a recent episode of “Oprah” the Reverend Eugene Rivers made some interesting points about the sexualization of American youth today. AIDS is currently the number one cause of death among young African American women in the United States and Rev. Rivers calls this a “moral and cultural crisis in America.” Rev. Rivers alleges that bi-sexual black men are causing murder by having unprotected sex with black women. One aspect of the crisis according to Rev. Rivers is ‘the culture of promiscuity which demeans black women.’ Rev. Rivers contends that our current culture has reduced a generation of young black women to a biological underclass, who believe that having unprotected sex is perfectly acceptable and main stream. Rev. Rivers says as a culture we have gone from Dr. Martin Luther King’s dream of equality and justice to demeaning and degrading women. He contends that unprotected sex is functioning as an instrument of mass destruction. I couldn’t agree more.
With an average of 40,000 new HIV infections every year in the United States and 820 HIV/AIDS diagnoses in South Carolina it’s outrageous that condoms aren’t commonly and widely used and made available to all sexually active individuals of all ages in America. A recent public health survey found that 95% of all Americans engage in pre-marital sex and have done so as far back as the 1940’s…so much for that myth that our current culture is more sexualized than in the past. The only thing that’s changed is the consequences of our behavior especially for our young people. Half of all new HIV infections occur among people under the age of twenty five. It is imperative that children learn the facts about HIV/AIDS and other sexually transmitted diseases from their parents or guardians at an early age. Studies show that parents or adult guardians are the most influential people in a child’s life. Even when they act like they aren’t listening to you and don’t care what you think they crave your approval and your guidance and they need to hear the facts. If discussing intimate subject matter makes you feel embarrassed or ashamed you need to seek help, go to the library or go to AID Upstate or the Health Department and ask for videos or pamphlets about STD’s, HIV/AIDS and sex education for teens. Read them and then pass them on to your kids. Practice your talk with a friend or your wife or husband until you feel comfortable…trust me the more your practice the more comfortable you become. You don’t have to be an expert, just break the ice but do it and keep doing it and eventually your kids will feel comfortable enough to start asking questions. Also start listening in on your kids conversations with their friends in the car and on the phone and then use those little fragments of conversations to open up your conversations about sex. You’ll be surprised where those conversations can lead…your kids want to discuss these things with you but…they need to feel comfortable and not feel like you are judging them or condemning them for feeling curious and hormonal. Don’t just have one big sex talk, have frequent discussions and keep the chatter going. Look for opportunities to engage your child in discussions about sex and sexuality, it’s not hard since bill boards, movies and advertisements surround us every day of our lives.
One of the most chilling aspects of the Oprah show about HIV/AIDS was the panel discussion with six HIV+ women who had been heterosexually infected. Several of the younger women claimed they didn’t know much about HIV/AIDS because their only formal instruction in school was abstinence based and the only advice their parents had given them was not to get pregnant. Not one person had ever discussed condoms or HIV transmission in a factual or frank manner with these articulate, intelligent young women. Twenty years after the discovery of HIV and after the AIDS related deaths of more than 22 million people world-wide there are still young people in the United States that don’t realize that having unprotected sex puts them at risk for contracting HIV. That’s truly unconscionable.
If you think living in South Carolina keeps you safe think again. Our state ranks tenth in the nation for HIV/AIDS per capita, 13,600 persons have been diagnosed and are living with HIV/AIDS in South Carolina as of December, 2005. Of these, 618 are children and teenagers under 20 years of age. One of them could be your child. Talk to your children today about sex and condoms and how sex is a responsibility and a decision that should never-ever be undertaken lightly.
Roxanne Walker Cordonier is an HIV Prevention Specialist at The Phoenix Center in Greenville, SC. A native of Michigan and a graduate of the University of South Carolina Upstate Roxanne was named South Carolina Broadcasters Association’s Radio Personality of the Year in 2002. She blogs regularly on her website

www.roxannewalker.com.